Abstract art or baby pics?

I've gotten sonogram photos at various points in this pregnancy. Shown below are photos from 9/16/15 , 11/13/15, and 11/18/15. Most of the photos look like abstract art to me, with the exception of the photos from 11/18. Those were done with a fancy schmancy technological device at Atlantic Health Services. Also shown below is a photo of me from Thanksgiving.... 22 weeks... I think.

September 16, 2015

November 13, 2015

   

11/18/15---Looking like an actual human... I see a head! 

11/18/15; baby's foot---if she is anything like Mom and Dad, she will be destined to a life of ugly, orthopedic-looking shoes and will have to wear New Balance sneakers & Easy Spirit heels

                         

22 weeks (I think).... Thursday, 11/26/15

   

"You bought a digital test?"

Pregnancy tests seem like they should be so easy. They are the exact opposite. When you're really trying to get pregnant and are frequently monitoring it, those little pink lines can look pretty vague. I do admit that I used to have (this was about one year ago) a middle schooler's level of knowledge when it came to reproduction---no, really. I just thought you could get pregnant, easily, whenever. I knew ovulation was a "big deal," but also assumed that every time of intimacy could be "the one time" that I got pregnant. I also just assumed that, bam, you had sex, and then could take a pregnancy test the next day. No, I REALLY thought that those things were true.

Once we started really trying, it became a drag to buy all of those pregnancy tests. Buying them individually gets pricey. I ended up "researching"  --which led to me obsessively using them. Sometimes, I'd take the pregnancy tests two or three times in a day. The lines were ridiculously faint and hard to read at times. You can Google and find photos of people's pregnancy strips 1 DPO through 28 DPO (days past ovulation).

I bought a pregnancy test that came with a 7 buck rebate. Hey, why not?

I also continued my "research" (ah, internet) and bought some tests from Dollar Tree. They get pretty good ratings, in terms of accuracy.

This test was from July 10 .... 10 DPO for the ovulation creepers out there. That dark line is the line that is always there; there does "seem" to be a faint second line, but it's crazy hard to tell.

This test was from July 20. Since it was about 20DPO, I classed it up and spent money on the digital test. I like the digital tests because there's no line cryptology skills needed. You just need to be literate.

John and I had been trying again (post- D&C) since April and we both got quickly frustrated with the nebulous lines. Getting pregnant for the first time in December was so exciting---seeing that line together. After going through the D&C, moments seemed to lose some of their luster. I just started taking the tests by myself, looking at the non-existent lines, and tossing them in the trash. Our bathroom trash could have been renamed HCG test disposal container.

When this test came out positive, I called John into the bathroom. I think his first words were, "Wait, you bought a digital test?!"

I'm frugal, but when the time comes for seriousness and legitimacy, I'm all in....

In the back of my mind

I've been meaning to blog for ages. Finally, those plans are being accomplished...somewhat.

I'm 20ish weeks along! There's slight confusion because my original paperwork from the doctor showed the baby's due date as being 3/24; more recent paperwork shows it as 3/31. In the words of many family members: "Those dates don't mean too much. The baby will come when she wants to."

She is the right pronoun. We're having a girl! At first, I was a bit apprehensive. It's horrible to generalize, but when I think of little girls, I think of dance classes, Girl Scouts, braided pigtails, and an assortment of other girly things that I can't really connect with. However, there's no requirement that I have to raise my child as a "girly girl." Furthermore, parents can do whatever they want to, but at some point, children grow into the people that they want to be; we have no control over it.

Really though... I can barely put my hair in an elastic. This child is in for an interesting adventure.

We've had some hiccups along the way. About a month ago, I found out that I tested positive as a carrier for Canavan disease. It's a disease that predominantly affects people Ashkenazi Jewish heritage. If John was also a carrier, the doctor said the baby had a 25% chance of getting the disease and that he would advise us to not continue with the pregnancy. John tested negative for the disease, so there is no chance of our child having it. That positive blood test (for me) made me delay in telling people about the pregnancy.

Although this is supposed to be a happy time, my mind often comes back to February 10, the date of the D&C. I would not say it is constant, but I often question things with this pregnancy. About a week and a half ago, I felt "flutters." I haven't felt anything since. Naturally, I'm thinking to myself, What's the matter? What's wrong?  Sometimes when I use the restroom, I worry about seeing blood, since that is often the sign of a miscarriage. People say that you're "okay" once you are past 12 weeks, but that is false. People still can miscarry past 12 weeks. Again, this is not something that is constantly on my mind, but it is often enough.

My next appointment is this Friday. It's Friday the 13th. Things are only so much in our control. When the woman asked if I wanted another appointment date, I replied, "No."

Two letters I never want to hear again

Right now, I am going to write about something that happened at the end of January. I've wanted to write about it for awhile, but never actually completed that task.

During November and December, I was madly tracking ovulation, menstruation, and uh....getting it on. I'm someone who doesn't ever really make plans and who relies on her memory rather than marking up an agenda, but I did use a mobile app to track our "baby making." It was fun to put hearts into the app....hearts mean intimacy :)

Based on my December calculations, I had a feeling that I was pregnant at the end of December. I didn't menstruate when I was supposed to either. We were hosting a NYE soiree and I figured I better take a pregnancy test before imbibing vodka and diet Sprite (classy, I know). The test came out positive! On NYE, I drank a steady supply of seltzer and cranberry juice. Some friends inquired if I was trying to cut calories (they know me too well) and I felt odd keeping people out of the loop. I told a few friends that I as pregnant but that it was VERY early on. This whole idea of waiting until 12 weeks--- that's so torturous. Normally, people hold onto secrets for a long time when the secrets might hurt others' feelings or show acts of betrayal. It just seems horrible to hold onto a happy secret for so long.

Even though it would not be 12 weeks yet, we planned on telling John's parents on Super Bowl weekend (siblings and cousins too). I had planned on ordering some cheesy shirt from a website-- something with a football and some lame saying like "Future Football Fan."

I went for my first doctor's appointment and I was actually only six weeks along. The doctor couldn't see a heartbeat, but he told me that it was still early on and that he wanted to see me the following week. I went back the following week. There was no heartbeat and there was no growth from the previous week. The doctor assumed that I had miscarried, but sent me to a diagnostic center for confirmation. I had to be poked and prodded twice in one day and ended up getting the shittiest news.

I didn't know how to tell John the news. I'm dreadful at communication and serious talks. I'd rather avoid them than ever have them. This conversation, however, was unavoidable. When he got home from work, I just said, "The baby is not okay." I was so upset that night and although we had not revealed the pregnancy to John's parents, we chose to call them up and let them know what happened. We were still going to their house on Super Bowl Sunday. There was no way I could act "normal" and "pretend," so we simply told them the truth.

I ended up having to get a D & C on February 10. I hated how something so sad could be abbreviated into two letters. I wanted to ask the doctor if a D & C was basically the same thing as an abortion, but I knew if the doctor replied "Yes" that I would completely freak out. Looking on lots of sites, they are essentially the same thing---one is just not "elective."

There are no appropriate words. That surgery fucking sucked.

After I had it, I talked with people and found out that it is much more common than people think. I feel like people should talk about it more. Even for the first few months after the procedure, I felt like an inept human. That kind of surgery screws with your psyche. I started thinking that maybe I wasn't woman enough or strong enough to carry a baby. Maybe this was some way of the universe getting back at me for all of my "I'm selling my reproductive organs" jokes from years ago.

When I didn't get pregnant for months after the D & C, thoughts of my ineptitude continued. Women, of course, can always recognize that perhaps there is a potency problem with their partners. We are too hard on ourselves to even think about that possibility though. We just assume there is something wrong with us. 

The Beginning of the Journey (originally written in January, 2015)

For years, I have said that I have no desire to have children. I've even joked that I want to sell all of my reproductive organs. A note for those out there considering making the reproductive organ sales joke: family members don't really appreciate it. Also, the process of extracting eggs from a woman's body, while profitable, is also quite dangerous.

From being around two friends who had babies in the past year, my desire to sell my reproductive organs (or joke about it) has altogether vanished.

Over the past few months, I've thought about various milestones and achievements in life too. It's not that I want a child to "meet another milestone." John and I are having a wonderful journey together in life. I think we would be amazing parents and that we could really nurture a child (or children).

Bringing this topic up to John was a bit challenging. To begin with, I am generally non-confrontational. I hate "talking things out" and try to avoid conflict or complications. I didn't know how to bring the topic up to him. He's always quite analytical and I tend to do horribly when he asks me questions about an issue. Once he asks me a challenging question, I tend to stare straight ahead and simultaneously shrug my shoulders. That's my general strategy.

I changed my strategy up this time. I started really thinking about "babymaking" in August. I was due for my next pill prescription and called it in, but just did not pick it up. Right before we were about to have sex, I decided to blurt out, "Um, I'm thinking I might stop taking my birth control pills." This obviously was nowhere near the way to have an open discussion with my husband, but it was the only think I could think of. Whatever gets the job done, right?

He freaked out, rightfully so, and stared at me, muttering, "Um...uh..." It was probably the first time in our relationship that he did not use impeccable vocabulary.

We didn't discuss anything right then or there.

Cue to the next day. We were on our way to Ren Faire in Tuxedo, NY. The traffic was bumper-to-bumper. While seeing women in brimming-bosom corsets and men in chain maille in the car next to you may be entertaining, slow traffic still is dreadful.

It was in the car on the way to Ren Faire, however, when we first had our discussion. It definitely was classifiable as a discussion. John knows me well. Talk to me when I have no way to possibly exit the conversation. 

And that conversation led us to now.