In the back of my mind

I've been meaning to blog for ages. Finally, those plans are being accomplished...somewhat.

I'm 20ish weeks along! There's slight confusion because my original paperwork from the doctor showed the baby's due date as being 3/24; more recent paperwork shows it as 3/31. In the words of many family members: "Those dates don't mean too much. The baby will come when she wants to."

She is the right pronoun. We're having a girl! At first, I was a bit apprehensive. It's horrible to generalize, but when I think of little girls, I think of dance classes, Girl Scouts, braided pigtails, and an assortment of other girly things that I can't really connect with. However, there's no requirement that I have to raise my child as a "girly girl." Furthermore, parents can do whatever they want to, but at some point, children grow into the people that they want to be; we have no control over it.

Really though... I can barely put my hair in an elastic. This child is in for an interesting adventure.

We've had some hiccups along the way. About a month ago, I found out that I tested positive as a carrier for Canavan disease. It's a disease that predominantly affects people Ashkenazi Jewish heritage. If John was also a carrier, the doctor said the baby had a 25% chance of getting the disease and that he would advise us to not continue with the pregnancy. John tested negative for the disease, so there is no chance of our child having it. That positive blood test (for me) made me delay in telling people about the pregnancy.

Although this is supposed to be a happy time, my mind often comes back to February 10, the date of the D&C. I would not say it is constant, but I often question things with this pregnancy. About a week and a half ago, I felt "flutters." I haven't felt anything since. Naturally, I'm thinking to myself, What's the matter? What's wrong?  Sometimes when I use the restroom, I worry about seeing blood, since that is often the sign of a miscarriage. People say that you're "okay" once you are past 12 weeks, but that is false. People still can miscarry past 12 weeks. Again, this is not something that is constantly on my mind, but it is often enough.

My next appointment is this Friday. It's Friday the 13th. Things are only so much in our control. When the woman asked if I wanted another appointment date, I replied, "No."